We Were Never Married. Does the Other Parent Have the Same Rights to Our Child in New Hampshire?

Megan writes: My boyfriend and I had a child together, but we never married. Our daughter is now three, and we are no longer together. When we were together, we both contributed financially, but since the breakup, I feel like I have been doing everything. Now he says he wants the same rights to our daughter that I have. Is that fair? We weren’t even married.

Megan’s question is one I hear from unmarried parents more often than you might think.

When a relationship ends, it can be difficult to separate the feelings you have about your former partner from the relationship that person has with your child. If you have been handling most of the day-to-day care since the separation, it may be especially frustrating when the other parent asks for more parenting time or a greater role in making decisions.

But there is something important to remember: this isn’t only your former boyfriend. This is also your daughter’s father.

Your relationship with one another may have ended, but his relationship with his daughter did not.

What Happens When Unmarried Parents Separate in New Hampshire?

For married parents, questions involving children are generally addressed as part of the divorce process. Unmarried parents obviously do not have a divorce case to resolve.

They can, however, still need many of the same issues decided.

Where will the child live? How will parenting time be divided? Who will make important decisions about education, medical care, and other issues? How will the child’s expenses be shared? Will one parent pay child support?

In New Hampshire, these issues are addressed through parental rights and responsibilities.

The focus is not simply on whether Mom and Dad were married. The focus is on establishing an arrangement that serves the child’s best interests.

Does an Unmarried Father Have the Same Rights as a Mother?

Being unmarried does not automatically mean that one parent should have a greater role in the child’s life simply because the parents never married.

Once legal parentage has been established, issues involving parenting time and decision-making can be addressed through the New Hampshire family court.

But before we even get to the legal side of the question, I encourage parents in Megan’s position to look at the situation from their child’s perspective.

This is your child’s parent, too.

Your child may already have a strong bond with that parent. If that relationship is healthy and safe, maintaining that bond can be very important to the child.

And what if the bond isn’t particularly strong right now? That doesn’t necessarily mean we should prevent one from developing. When it is safe and appropriate, children should have the opportunity to develop healthy, meaningful relationships with both of their parents.

The end of the parents’ romantic relationship does not have to mean the end of a child’s relationship with one of them.

Of course, every family is different. If there are legitimate concerns involving abuse, neglect, substance misuse, violence, or a child’s safety, those issues need to be taken seriously. But simply being angry with your former partner or believing that he or she wasn’t a good boyfriend or girlfriend is very different from determining whether that person can be a loving and involved parent.

But I’ve Been Doing Most of the Parenting. Doesn’t That Matter?

It can.

Let’s go back to Megan.

Suppose that since the separation, their daughter has primarily lived with Megan. Megan takes her to preschool, schedules her doctor’s appointments, stays home when she’s sick, and handles most of her daily routine.

Meanwhile, the child’s father has remained involved, but not to the same degree.

Those facts matter. But they don’t necessarily mean Dad shouldn’t have the opportunity to maintain or develop a meaningful relationship with his daughter.

This is where parents sometimes need to separate two very different questions:

How do I feel about my former partner?

and

What relationship is healthy and appropriate between my child and her other parent?

Those answers aren’t always the same.

A three-year-old child’s needs may also be very different from those of a 13-year-old. Work schedules, childcare arrangements, the child’s existing relationships, the parents’ ability to communicate, and many other circumstances can affect what kind of parenting plan makes sense.

What About Child Support If We Were Never Married?

Marriage isn’t what creates a child’s need for financial support.

New Hampshire’s child support guidelines are based on the principle that both parents share responsibility for the economic support of their children.

That means an unmarried parent can be ordered to pay child support just as a divorced parent can.

The amount isn’t simply whatever one parent believes is fair. New Hampshire uses child support guidelines that consider the parents’ incomes and other relevant circumstances.

It is also important not to turn parenting time and child support into bargaining chips.

A parent should not be thinking, “If you don’t pay me, you don’t get to see your child,” any more than the other parent should be thinking, “If I’m paying support, I automatically get half of the parenting time.”

Both issues concern the child, but they need to be addressed appropriately and with the child’s best interests in mind.

Do We Need a Parenting Plan If We’re Getting Along?

Maybe Megan and her former boyfriend are still able to talk to one another. They both love their daughter, agree that she should have a relationship with both parents, and neither one wants a court battle.

That’s a very good place to start.  But circumstances change.

A new relationship begins. Someone gets a different job. One parent wants to move. The child starts school. A disagreement comes up about medical treatment or childcare. Or one parent simply stops following the informal arrangement.

An agreement that consisted of “We’ll work it out” can suddenly become very difficult when the parents no longer agree.

A parenting plan can provide both parents with clarity about parenting time, decision-making, and their respective responsibilities while giving their child consistency.

We Were Never Married — So Where Do We Start?

If you and the other parent were never married and are now separating, don’t assume that means there is nothing you need to do legally.

You may need to establish parentage, parental rights and responsibilities, a parenting schedule, and child support.

But this process doesn’t have to begin with the idea that one parent wins and the other loses.

Megan and her former boyfriend may no longer be a couple, but their daughter still has two parents.

If both parents can provide a safe and healthy relationship, the goal should be to create an arrangement that allows their daughter to benefit from those relationships while providing the stability and consistency she needs.

Sometimes the most valuable thing a family law attorney can do is help parents get there before disagreements become a full-blown court battle.

If you are an unmarried parent in New Hampshire and have questions about child support, parenting time, establishing parental rights and responsibilities, or what happens when you and the other parent separate, contact our office to discuss your situation.